3/12/10, a day we will always celebrate

Today is a very hard day today. I continue to wonder what kind of birthday party the boys would have wanted...trucks, cars, firetruck, Mickey Mouse? What would their favorite color have been? Would they like their birthday cake or not, like their big brother? All of these questions come to my mind all the time. When I see a 2 year old little, I wonder if that is how big they would be or would they be really tall like Braden.

So often on these days, I wonder "why" again. Why was losing Caleb and Samuel part of God's plan for our family. How can something so painful be part of His perfect and good plan? I know we will probably never fully understand until we are in Heaven. But it doesn't keep that question from creeping back into my mind. I know they are having the best birthday party in Heaven. Braden was so excited last night, he said "Caleb and Samuel WILL be 2 years old tomorrow!!" He didn't say, they would have been 2. No, he said they will be 2 because they are full of life up with Jesus. They are not exposed to this evil world, they only see glory and feel no pain. Last night before bed, Ansley gave me 2 extra kisses and I truly believe they were from the boys, telling me they are OK.

On your 2nd birthday...

Dear Caleb and Samuel,

There are no words I could say in this letter that would be able to express what you mean to us.

From the day we found out we were expecting you boys, we knew that God had chosen you for our family. I remember when y'all started moving around, we invented stories about who you would be. Caleb, you were the trouble maker...moving and kicking all day long. And I loved every minute of it. Samuel, you were more laid back. You would only kick after meals and before bed. Braden talked about what he was going to teach you. From swimming to the best way to splash us and most of all how to tickle mommy. He wanted to be your big brother more than anything. And even though you all are in Heaven, I hope you can see how much he still cares for you. He often asks what you all might be doing at that given time. He loves you all so much and will be reunited with you one day.

God had something much bigger planned for your life than we could ever have imagined.

On March 7th, mommy had to go to the hospital because things just weren't right. I remember them telling us that everything should be OK and I would be in the hospital until you all were born. Even though the doctors kept reassuring us, my motherly instincts kept telling me something else. I said the hardest prayer I have ever said in the life the day before God took you to Heaven. I prayed that if you weren't meant to be on this earth with us, to take you sooner rather than later. I didn't want you all to suffer weeks in the NICU if God's plan all along was for you to be in Heaven. God answered my prayer shortly after.

Did you know that when you all were in my tummy, I talked to you all the time. You were my sons and I loved you just like I love your brother. We prayed for you all the time. Our prayers changed with each day.

I am thankful for the time daddy and I had with you before we let you go. Daddy was able to give you all a bath and wrap you up in soft blankets. I remember looking at each of you and seeing perfect little babies. I kept wondering why, why did God have a different plan for your lives. I question it often, but I know you are safe in the arms of Jesus. I loved holding both of you and being able to kiss you and say goodbye. You forever changed our lives and you will NEVER be forgotten.

As I am writing this, the rain is pounding on the windows. It is what many would call a very dark and ugly day, with no sign of sunshine. Because of the two of you, Caleb and Samuel, it is not that way to me anymore.

When I pick Braden up from school today, we are going to get a cake for you guys. Braden is excited to pick it out for you. We will celebrate your life in Heaven and rejoice in knowing you are dancing and singing with Jesus. We will be sending hugs and kissing your way.

My boys, there is so much more to say. I rest in knowing that you all already know it before it has left our lips. We love you both so very much.

Happy Birthday!!

Mommy